1. Dance. You MUST have your music dancable. If not, you have to make your music acoustic and rely on the fact that there's already a lot of dancable music out there. Acoustic music has very few notes, is usually not very fast, and relies on mostly powerful lyrics, but some are just stupid generic ones that morons can relate to. There are of course exceptions to this rule. Panic At The Disco released a song three months ago called "I Write Sins, Not Tradgedies". Not many from the mainstream will relate to it perfectly, narrowing the song down to what the lyrics purely state - a ho is a ho, of course of course, and anyone can marry a ho, of course. I to this day do not understand how this song got on the mainstream radio at all, because it has rapid changes of the baroque style of music, but perhaps it's soft enough for people to listen to. Exceptions can happen if the music is written perfectly for the main stream.

 

2. Digitally remaster the hell out of it. A great way to make things dancable is to add a bunch of horns, because people really like the sound of horns, it's pleasant-sounding to everyone. People also like that cowbell sound. It's used in a simplistic "1, 2, 1, 2" beat. Heavy bass means anything is dancable. Crappy Green Day remix? Just add some super heavy bass, rapidly moving.

 

3. Not too fast! Your music RARELY can be too fast for people's brains. Mainstream people are mostly stupid. They're susceptable to trends (as of August 23rd, 2006, the trend is being black, even if you're white) and slang (mad cool, PHAT (which is an abbreviation for Pretty Hot And Tempting might I add), and whatever the hip hop word is of the month. Good examples are "crunk", "buu"(?) for boyfriend, and uh. Frankly I don't know many. And neither does my mainstream sister. So just trust me on it.) They usually can't take many instruments at once, and are mostly obsessed with sex, boyfriends, parties, drugs. Etc etc.

 

4. Music video. 99.99999999% of all radio music HAS to be able to be played on MTV. One, because you can express your (usually disgusting) interests through it, and two because you also give bums who have the "watch TV, go on myspace, make plans to do some pointless thing that has no affect on the world" lifestyle, something to do.

 

         ** For the record, I watch Head Banger's Ball monthly to see if anyone's found Luca Turilli yet. I am ecstatic to say he's not been.

 

5. Image. The more ridiculous your image is, the better. Gangsta pimp homie from Detroit and been shot 13 times in the brain but still capable of producing this shit? 5 stars! Lonely horny teen just growing up in troublesome America? 4 stars! Man with a guitar who wasn't good enough for a band, but can whine about generic love for 3 minutes? 3 stars! Someone real who just wants to get out and spread the word about their music, and have fun while doing it? Get a job, bum.

 

 

Annnnnd that's all I can think of for now.

 

Thank you for your time.